Month: February 2017

Lifetime Achievement Award : Ted Prior

About two years ago a film buff friend of mine gave me “Deadly Prey” on Blu ray for my birthday. I had never heard of it but I watched it immediately and was very impressed. “Deadly Prey” is the best “Rambo” rip-off ever made, and also probably the best Bad Action film of all time.

The plot is about a super-ripped Vietnam Vet (played by Ted Prior, director David A. Prior’s brother) who is kidnapped while taking out the garbage. He ends up at a remote facility where he and other “contestants” are being hunted down and killed and must kill in response or die! One of the people in charge of this “game” is his old drill sergeant. And eventually the Vet’s family finds him.

That’s all the plot this movie has. Basically it is scene after scene of people getting killed in the goofiest ways possible, including grenades, knives, leeches, hand-to-hand combat by the always shirtless Ted Prior. So many people die (basically everyone except the hero!) that the film becomes a kind of Zen experience that you just have to kind of roll with. Just when you think it can’t get any crazier, the movie concludes with a scalping. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a scalping on-screen.

Basically, “Deadly Prey” is a much more fun version of “Missing in Action 2” and the later “Hard Target.” The somewhat poor picture and sound quality on the Blu-ray enhance the experience. This film is cheap but hilarious and action packed! The director also made a film called “Kill Zone” which is almost the same thing and also entertaining. Some of the many works of the director include “Killer Workout” and the long-awaited 2013 sequel “Deadliest Prey,” also starring Ted Prior. Both of these are available on Blu-ray. Sadly, David A. Prior died in 2015. Because his movies are so much fun, I am giving him a Groin.com lifetime achievement award, in honor of his ability to make Great Trash. If you like Bad Action, check out these films!

No Cure For Wellness

No doubt you’ve heard a lot about the new movie “Split” with James McAvoy and how scary it is, and that is indeed an excellent film. But what about the OTHER great horror film out right now, “A Cure For Wellness”? The title is so strange and the marketing is so inept that I had no idea that it was even a horror film. But it is, and despite a plethora of Stupid Horror Film Decisions made by the protagonist, it is one of the best of the last few years.

The film follows a New York stockbroker (played by Dane DaHaan) who is sent by a top corporation to find out what happened to an executive who is at a wellness center in the Swiss Alps. This place is so secluded and so ornate that it seems weirdly inviting, but there are many problems with it, the most significant being that once you are there, you can never leave. Other problems include: 1. Dentistry that makes “Marathon Man” look progressive. 2. Septic tank therapy (remember “Altered States”?) 3. Eels everywhere, including the bathtub… Basically, this 146-minute film by Gore Verbinski (“The Ring,” “The Lone Ranger,” the first 3 “Pirates” films) is a cross between “The Wicker Man,” “Shutter Island,” “The Shining,” “Eyes Wide Shut,” “Crimson Peak,” and Stuart Gordon’s “Castle Freak.” Don’t leave early or you’ll miss an ending that might make Clive Barker and the late Ken Russell blush.

Jason Isaacs is serviceable as the villain, but Mia Goth (from “The Nymphomaniac Vol. 1”) steals the show as the fragile and frail but emotional and extremely sexy damsel in distress. Like last year’s “The Witch,” this film takes standard horror tropes in exciting new directions. Don’t miss it if you like intense horror; this film really scared me! –A.C.

Three Year Colleges

Groin has some very simple and practical solutions which will help the world recover from collapse. The first of which, is simply that college should be shortened from four years to three years. I know this may sound ridiculous too you, but the reality is that this is common sense.

There are many reasons. Lets start with the fact that you wake up every day and turn on the TV only to see disillusioned youth protesting and disrupting to the point of being de-facto quasi- rioting, not unlike in the film Cosmopolis. You see it today in America with the ‘Not My President’ protests nationwide (centered in DC and NY). If Trump is ‘Not Their President” – then maybe they should understand that it is ‘Not Their Holiday’ – and get their leftist heinies back to school/work. The real reason they are rioting is because they buy into the enslaving idea that they must indebt themselves greatly to the state in order for a superfluous leftist 4 year education. It is a road to nowhere.

‘Youth’ protests are a new worldwide phenom. That all started with the Arab Spring in Egpyt, and spread to the slums of France/London, and now we see it here in the states. When I went to UC Davis the Muslim Brotherhood came to the lunch quad with flags supporting Palestinian suicide bombers on a regular basis, whenever some shrapnel bomb would go off in Israel.

I had to take about 60 course to graduate from the UC ( I graduated in 2003). That is way to many courses. When you break down the four years of college you see that two years roughly are spent in the major and two years in the general ed./minor. Common sense dictates that students should have received sufficient general education in high school , and that much of general ed. in college is redundant, and results in more student debt. Student debts account for a large percentage of national GDP and pose a threat to economic stability for the nation – due to failed reimbursements. Another thing is that semesters take forever compared to the quarter system , almost as if the semester system was designed for vacations and protests.

Furthermore, colleges serve as indoctrination centers for leftist thought, they fail protect free speech for conservatives, and force the community to pay for controversial radical views to be propagated – views which the citizenry often do not agree with, by en large.

Savings from college being shortened to 3 years could be used to reduce the national and state debts, pay for other services (such as homeless shelters or mental health institutions – which could be handy for leftist students at a later date) help students focus on their major, help students save $, have students get 25% less exposure to leftist indoctrination, and last but not least – give less time overall for students to be loitering around campus (protesting). Idle hands are the devil’s playground. Let’s push them out into the real world so they can leave the ivory tower at an earlier date!

Empathy and Greed

Two of the most interesting films of the last 5 years were barely released and were met with polarized responses. These films, “Cosmopolis” by David Cronenberg and “Diana” with Naomi Watts as the princess, offer very different portraits of wealth and capitalism.

 

“Cosmopolis,” a 2012 film which stars Robert Pattinson in a tour-de-force performance as a young billionaire, is about the greedy excesses of the very wealthy, which is contrasted with the 99% desire to acquire some of that wealth while castigating him for his greed. The film follows Pattinson’s journey across New York City in his gigantic limo as he travels to the poor section of town to get a haircut. While in his limo, he has sex with several women, conducts business transactions, and gets his daily prostate exam. He also visits his wife, played by Sarah Gadon, who is even creepier and more disconnected from reality than he is.

 

Over the course of the film, Pattinson tries to connect with people and fails miserably. Eventually, Paul Giamatti turns up as the man who wants to kill Pattinson. Rather than a life-and-death struggle, though, the last scene plays like a love scene. The 99% (represented by Giamatti) meets the 1% and all hell breaks loose. Cronenberg has made a dark comedy about extreme wealth and about how the rich are disconnected with reality. The future depicted in the film (and the book by Don DeLillo) has come to pass, with a rich business man running the country and mass protests everywhere. The film repeatedly refers to the rat being used as a unit of currency, and that may indeed be where we are headed. “Cosmopolis” is one of the best films you’ve never heard of a dystopian black comedy about how society reveres and at the same time tries to destroy the wealthy; it’s a masterful film about greed.

“Diana,” a 2013 drama/romance that is also pretty obscure, paints an entirely different picture of the wealthy. Rather than equating them with rats, the film shows Princess Diana (played by Naomi Watts) and her lover Hasnat Khan (played by Naveen Andrews) try to use their wealth for good. Diana, for example, visits sick children in hospitals and (successfully) crusades against the use of land mines, while Hasnat is determined to keep working as a surgeon even though marrying Diana would make him famous and set for life. Ultimately, the couple is too empathetic; a little bit of selfishness might have saved their relationship. The film is interesting to watch and very sad because it shows how the paparazzi and the fame that Diana had to deal with ended up killing her. While she succeeded in using her wealth for good, her wealth still ended up killing her.

So basically, these two tragedies of the extremely rich both show how money is not, in fact, the most desirable commodity. Whether wealth is used with greed (“Cosmopolis”) or with empathy (as in “Diana”) it will kill you in the end. Although these two films were not big critical or box-office successes, they are a must-see for students of capitalism and lovers of intelligent films. – A.C.

Big Little Lies – A Monterey Thriller

Brand new HBO series Big Little Lies premiered tonight. No it’s not about CNN’s Fake News. The show, a naturalistic coastal version of a murder mystery, features big stars like Reese Witherspoon and Nicole Kidman. What peaks my interest is not that it has elements of a police procedural thriller, as many shows do, but rather the way in which it uses its setting in Monterey to it’s advantage. This series was shot in the area that John Steinbeck wrote about and lived in because it is so beautiful. Salvador Dali also lived there. His paintings featured the landscapes of the area. Big Little Lies has  some shots featuring gorgeous panoramic views of nature. The director of this film, John Mark Valee, did Dallas Buyers Club and Wild previously.

The sets are shadowy. The women are beach blondes. And there are more women stars than normal on this show. With any luck, odds are they will all be grabbing hair and ripping each others throats out by season’s end. Maybe things have changed to where the beach isn’t the fun buoyant place it used to be in the 80s and 90s. Some signs of liberal irony are present. The main characters’ little 6 year old kid is being accused of ‘bullying’ in the school. Personally, I live pretty close to Monterey. From experience I know that these towns really do have all these blondes. The retro furniture and upper middle class thing seem fitting. The lighting is perfect on this show to set the dreary mood. But I would say that the actual people who live on the coast are not melancholy like the characters on the show. Rather they are fairly merry even when complaining.

Not a whole lot was revealed on the premiere episode tonight. From upcoming trailers its is clear that families are in turmoil , and people will die ( possibly from love triangles) . If you are a fan of murder mysteries, or a fan of naturalistic directing styles I would recommend this very cinematic show. It has some of the best shots and lighting I have seen this year. Hopefully it will head down a darkened path as things unfold.

Robot Virginity

An article in the Daily Star came out in regards to robot virginity. A revolutionary new concept and app will allow a user to get to know the robot’s AI personality prior to having sex with her. The idea is that the robot is a virgin and you are getting to know her before you rock her world. Getting to know the sexbot for a while will presumably not only increase the sexual tension, but also the desire – through the emotional connection that is built.

 

Now the article goes on to say that men may eventually use sexbots to lose their virginity, which is a bit of a tangent and yet a solid point. This is presumably to get more acquainted and comfortable to use those skills on a human woman later. However, one cannot help but think the sexbot probably has done this a million times before! In the Arab world dudes pay like a billion dollars to deflower a chick on the black market. So I am thinking anything halfway affordable and the putenanny is probably not truly virgin. Personally the virgin thing doesn’t do anything for me anyways. And I think the idea of getting to know the bot is great regardless. I think its potentially boring to go fuck a bot without having some mental stimulation to go with the physical.

Another thing that would be cool would be that you could be showing the sexbot the ropes and teaching her stuff sexually (if she is a virgin). That would be kinky. And the sexbot could say “lick me right there” , or “fuck me harder” , “don’t go too fast I’ve never done this before!” and stuff like that.

On the whole , I think this virgin sexbot thing is a great idea. Maybe I would gangbang her with a friend or two, and give her the thrill of a lifetime!

50 Shades Crummier

 (lame lead actor)

So I went to see 50 Shades Darker for a laugh yesterday. If you see this film, be sure to bring a basket of rotten tomatoes with you to throw at the screen. You would think these movies would have a clue how to be fun and sexy. There are plenty of quality guilty pleasures from the 90s in film, such as Wild Orchid, 9 1/2 Weeks, Full Moon Junction, and Showgirls. And bondage is a topic that should be easy to make interesting, since many people do not know much about that lifestyle. However, this movie was a total fail on all fronts.

 (lead actress is flat-assed)

Lets start with the fact that you are probably at this film with a date, and yet the movie begins with the male actor’s dad opening a can of whoop-ass on the mom – (in a black and white flashback from childhood), before heading towards the little boy with questionable intentions. At this point I was prompted to yell aloud: NOT HOT!!!

And so the plot begins… The control freak exec max-kinky dude shows up asking this flat-assed vanilla chick for a 2nd chance. On a side note one weird thing is I briefly dated and shot scenes with a low level porn star named Santina Marie who was dead look-alike for this girl’s bland personality and good looks, but with way incredibly nicer (and bigger) ass and tits. And the girl I knew was amazing at deep-throat and stuff. I think that is one reason this lead actress was disappointing to me. Also in terms of the lead actor I think someone like porn actor James Dean,  who I was in a pissing scene with (where we pissed on some chicks), would have more believable.

Here is a link to a few shoots she did. http://www.videosz.com/us/porn-star/10241_santina-marie I brought Santina into the industry for a month or two and we did private shoots together and went to a masked ball at Kink.com where I got mad and threw garbage cans ha. Kinda looks like a doppelganger of the girl in this film. Would have been better than the girl they cast.

(actress continually lies on bed like a dead fish in most of the sex scenes)

He does the standard thing sending her flowers first ( which she falls for), and then shows up. Though he fails to give him a half decent reason, “the terms will be different this time!”, she goes for it. The two also seem to have no chemistry, or personality, so maybe they are a match anyhow or something. I guess that’s how society is these days! There’s nothing better going on in their lives unfortunately than to focus on their very un-hot sex life together.

Next, we learn that the dude has stalkers, as well as former abusive mistress, played by Kim Bassinger. And he has to run this “Anastasia” chick by her and get her OK. Wasn’t that a Disney film title before?? Anyhow, all of this is not hot and any chick in real life would get the hell outta there. I will say that Bassinger’s role is amusing. It is a bright spot.

One more thing : ad nauseum Apple ad after Apple ad through the film . He buys her an Iphone as a gift even . Everyone keeps showing off their Imacs constantly. and there also a trailer for a movie about Apple showing prior to the film . Fuck Apple.

As far as the sex scenes here are my objections:

1) those vagina balls either need more lube ( lots of KY), or he needs to warm her pussy up before putting something that big in, unless she is taking big black cocks everyday or something.

2) I don’t get why is he supposedly so dom, yet he never pulls her hair while fucking her or slaps her in the face, or makes her drink his cum or anything. Very disappointing! Instead she stands there (flat-assed and small-breasted) in a way that is not seductive and anatomically incorrect, while he eats her pussy. She doesn’t barely moan or talk dirty or anything.

3) The chick in the film can’t even walk or talk in a way that’s sexy besides being flat assed. Any latina or black girl would have been sexier. White girls like this have no flavor. She has a bland personality.

4) Terrible R and B music comes on during every single sex scene. That is a crime when you consider that Danny Elfman was scoring this film, and they put on crappy R and B instead of his score throughout the film .

5) Movies like this need a love triangle or a manage le trois. Not a sexually harassing boss with no personality. Men like the main character need to stop acting so pussy whipped over a flat-assed bitch.

I could go on but I think you get the point about this film. It could very well sweep the Razzie Awards this year, due to its abundant futility.

Mickey Rourke knew how to treat a woman, unlike these putzes. If you want to be the man go study his early films. He doesn’t spoil the women, he treats them kinda poorly actually. Far from flying them around in a jet, or sailing them in a fancy yacht, Mickey would have them crawling on all fours to suck some strangers dick or fool around with some super hot chick in front of him in some seedy motel. Maybe it was to degrade them , or perhaps to fuel their passion via jealousy , like in a Tinto Brass Italian film. If you are not familiar with Brass I recommend his classic called “Cheeky”.

 

While pushing them to their limits and beyond sexually, he would test their psychology. Scenes like the body-food scene from 9 1/2 Weeks or the hotel scene and also the scene at the Brazil festival in Rio in Wild Orchid  – those scenes had strong sensuality from them clearly missing in recent films. Last Tango in Paris kinda started this genre back in the day. It peaked with Mickey Rourke in 90s, and its been pretty downhill from there. Mickey had the personality to pull these roles off. He was Brando-esque. A bad boy with good looks and personality. The key was that he was unpredictable, which the 50 Shades guy is not. Shows like True Blood (which is pretty good) are where people turn to for quality sleaze these days I guess, instead of the big screen. I think 50 Shades mostly does well because of the timing of releasing it near V-day, which is the worst of all holidays for men.

I think a better movie would be one about a dom sex-bot who keeps her slave man locked in a cage to serve her every need. She rewards him by occasionally letting him fuck her other hot sexbot friends. Now that would be a quality movie!

Ring Around Blair Witch

Sometimes I just can’t stand today’s generation. Whether it’s the shit that passes for music or selfies or”Duck Dynasty,” sometimes I just want to enter a time machine and go back in time to 2002, or, if I’m really drunk, 1999. That desire brought me to watch and review “Rings,” which just came out, and “The Blair Witch,” which is new to Bluray and DVD. Both are the third installment in their respective series, and both received rather negative reviews. Are they really that bad?

I dunno. They both deliver about what you’d expect from their respective series. “Rings,” for example, has a college professor who passes the curse of the deadly videotape onto his students, in the hope of blunting the effect of the curse. Two of the infected decide to investigate further into the curse, which <SPOILER!> leads them to a blind murderer pedophile priest, played by Vincent D’Onfrio from “Full Metal Jacket.” Can they stop the curse? Will there be another sequel? Do we get to vote twice?

Look, I know this isn’t a good movie. But it does give you what you’d expect from a “Ring” movie. It’s creepy, it’s claustrophobic, it’s ridiculous, and it’s fun. Except for D’Onfrio, the acting sucks, but that doesn’t prevent it from being entertaining.

“The Blair Witch,” the sequel to the 1999 found footage classic and, theoretically at least, the botched first sequel, is another story altogether. In fact, I am willing to call it a good movie, and that’s because I do find it scary. It follows a group of student filmmakers who decide to go back into those Godforsaken woods in the hope of finding out what happened to Heather, the Final Girl from “The Blair Witch Project.” Since one of the characters is Heather’s brother, I have to congratulate the filmmakers for finding a good reason for why anyone would go back into those woods. Anyway, it starts slow, then turns into “The Twilight Zone,” then gets really scary in the last 20 minutes, Anyway, this is the best Found Footage movie since “District 9.” It should make people scream and jump a lot, and it has some interesting speculations on What is Really Going On. Plus <SPOILER!> everybody dies, so that’s always good entertainment, much better, I’m sure, than “Hidden Figures” or “La La Land.”

Basically, if you have refined, sophisticated taste, you’re probably not reading this. But if you want to watch a bunch of annoying people bite the dust in spectacularly gruesome fashion, you’re in luck. Now I’m just waiting for the upcoming 2-film remake of Stephen King’s “It” so I can party like it’s 1986! –CoolAC

Rush Limbaugh Implies Super Bowl is Fixed

I was driving home to Salinas from San Jose yesterday, and I heard Rush say something on the radio that really surprised me. He said that the Atlanta Falcons basically ‘didn’t even play in the second half of that game’. He said it three or four times – there was no mistaking this. Then he got flustered and said he had to take a commercial break. In doing so he almost implied that he was going to cross the line.
The precipice of Rush’s statement was that many had been saying the the NE Patriots win on Sunday was one of the greatest Super Bowl victories of all time. Rush disputed that saying ‘how can you call it a great game when one team doesn’t even try?’. We have seen corruption in the NFL – with bad calls aiding NE all through the second half. We have seen Tom Brady deflate footballs in his prior wins. We have seen NFL teams spying on each other’s practice sessions and stealing their plays. We have seen teams pay their players bonuses for injuring opponents. Also, almost any team (except the 49ers) who publicly finances a new stadium seems to go from worst to first

and that seems fishy. We have seen liberal cities like NE, and Seattle always winning every year, which defies the odds. We have seen pass interference called so often in the NFL, that the very idea of trying to do pass coverage is an oxymoron. Its not possible to cover receivers when every minor contact results in multiples of ten yards in penalties. And we have seen Beyonce saluting Black Panthers at halftime shows.

 
Here’s the deal: Vegas controls the officials in most major US sports. This is because Americans are overly legalistic and bureaucratic, that each of our sports have a billion rules (which are enforced by biased bureaucrats – otherwise know as officials, or referees). Vegas controls the outcomes through paying off the officials.

 

The courts have ruled fans do not have a right to see a fair game. American sports have been ruled to be ‘entertainment’, and fans have no right to an honest outcome. As a result , Americans would do better to gain an interest in traditional sports, such as bowling, fishing, or horseshoes – where the outcome is not decided by bribed officials. In lieu of that, US sports should ban officials and all questionable determinations should be decided by sensors, like in tennis – in order to avoid human bias, whether due to corruption or error.

 
Whether it is in sports or in politics, the dirty truth is that too many Americans love having too many rules, enforced by fallible humans, who are prone to bias and corruption. Whether its the Super Bowl or a simple travel ban, Americans love the drama of having Big Brother (or in the case the casinos (via the refs) – arbitrarily determine the outcomes for us – because Americans feel so pathetic about themselves, that they no longer wish to determine their own outcomes. Whether it is the refs in sports or the government in the greater realm, the truth is that many Americans want to live in the Matrix. They want to be told how every outcome SHOULD be, rather than letting the players determine the outcomes for themselves.

People that watch the NFL all the time are fucking idiots.

Resident Evil Finale Slays

Ok, let’s get this out of the way… most video game movies suck. “Assassin’s Creed” is terrible. Both “Hitman” movies are disappointing. The “Street Fighter” movies are bad. This is all the more reason to give a small expression of gratitude to the “Resident Evil” series since, while they are perhaps not the best movies, are consistently entertaining.

We here at the Groin.com staff did not watch the Super Bowl because we can’t stand the New England Patriots and overhyped media events. In protest, we went to see “Resident Evil: The Final Chapter” instead. How is it? Well, I actually really liked it. The film is non-stop action and gore and there is at least an attempt at a coherent plot. Basically, Milla Jovovich as Alice has 48 hours to save what’s left of the world. In order to accomplish this goal, she will have to overcome zombies, demons, dragons, monsters, mutants, clones, evil computers, and lasers, The production values are really high and the pace is brutal. The biggest argument in favor of this series though is Milla’s ability to convince us she can kick serious ass, coupled with director Paul W.S. Anderson’s sense of humor. He knows this isn’t Shakespeare, so he keeps the schlock coming with a wink and a smile. It’s really a blessed relief to the audience as opposed to, say, the awfulness of Uwe Boll’s films or the inflated, dim seriousness of “Assassin’s Creed.”

 

The series also deserves credit for starting out (in 2002) before zombies became popular, and for introducing the concept of the fast-moving zombie. Will this be the final chapter? Hard to say, but this has been a surprisingly cool series, much better than “Underworld.” Be sure to catch this flick before it leaves theaters; it’s bloody good!  –CoolAC