March 2017 – GROIN

Comin’ At Ya!

How do you feel about 3D? For me, it’s a decided “meh.” Some films, such as “Prometheus” and “Tron: Legacy,” benefit from the process, while others, like “Pete’s Dragon,” just use it as a gimmick. Forget about “Avatar,” which had great 3D effects but an uninvolving story. If you want to have real fun, go to one of the granddaddys of 3D films, 1981’s “Comin’ At Ya!”

The film, which is available on DVD and Blu-ray in 2D and 3D, is a Spanish take on the spaghetti western starring Tony Anthony, a very poor man’s Clint Eastwood, and Victoria Abril, who went on to star in several Almodovar films. The plot is simple: Anthony’s fiancée (Abril) is kidnapped by a no0good villain (Gene Quintano) on their wedding day. To get her back and get revenge our hero must spring into action. Although this is a thin plot, I find it superior to other 3D films that followed in the ’80’s like “Jaws 3D.” However, the excellent music score and the inventive action really make the film stand out.

Although I do not have access to the 3D version, I was charmed by all the objects thrown at the screen (often in slow motion) such as snakes, rats, bullets confetti, other weapons, explosions, etc. The acting is pretty decent too and the film delivers non-stop action. Is this a great film? No, but it’s better than a lot of Hollywood’s westerns like last year’s “The Magnificent Seven.” It’s not terribly expensive to buy, so I’m recommending a purchase. It’s a good film to sit back and watch with friends, beer, and weed. If you want to have a good time, check out “Comin’ At Ya!” It’s a unique experience! –CoolAC

The New Front

Leftist militants are taking up arms while letting it be known that they plan to sabotage US pipelines. Guerilla warfare is the plan, they say:

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2017/mar/26/keystone-pipeline-faces-bitter-fight-from-environm/

In honor of the controversy surrounding the Keystone Pipeline and the plans of environmental activists to use guerrilla warfare tactics to stop building of the pipeline, we here at groin are proposing a remake of the 1994 Steven Seagal classic “On Deadly Ground.” That film, you may recall, starred Seagal as a half-Native American environmental activist who uses martial arts, guns, and other guerilla warfare tactics to bring Michael Caine and his drilling company in Alaska to their knees. Joan Chen is the love interest,It is notable as possibly the only action film where the villain meets a gruesome death without actually having killed anyone! Another thing I enjoyed about that film was the sheer hypocrisy of the film itself, in terms of the non-stop large scale explosions throughout the film.

For the remake, we will feature crazed leftist radical Shia LaBeouf and, even better, Danny Trejo as the protagonists who will stop either Jon Voight, and, even better, a CGI Charlton Heston. We will hire Oliver Stone to direct and Jessica Alba or Lucy Lui will be the love interest. Look for a special cameo by Quentin Tarantino who will be killed by Jon Voight/CGI Charlton Heston. We will feature techno covers of Basil Poledouris’s classic score and Steven Seagal will have a special cameo as Guido, a irate restaurant owner. This will be way better than that “Fast and the Furious” junk! –CoolAC

That’s a Man, Baby!

Transgender men impersonating women, in order to win wrestling, MMA and weightlifting competitions, is sweeping the nation. The result is that actual women are being CRUSHED by men in women’s sports. Some people have said this has also been the case in women’s tennis for a long time, with two sisters dominating that sports who have the bodies of NFL linebackers. Lib females brought about the sexual revolution. Now that the rooster has come home to nest, they are reaping what they have sewn. Boo-hoo! :

http://www.wnd.com/2017/03/female-athletes-crushed-by-women-who-were-once-men/

Build the Wall… FOR FREE

The Wall can be built with a combination of volunteers (headed by Hicks United), plus forced prison laborers. This will bring labor costs down significantly. For some background:

Groin.com does not just offer commentary. We also offer solutions to the grandiose problems that fester in America’s soul. By having elected Trump, the public has voted to build a wall between the US and Mexico. Deficit hawks are against the idea, since they think the Treasury cannot afford such a wall. One idea when you want to do something you cannot afford, is to force other people to do the labor for free. This is what the US has done with its prison system to the tune of about $2 billion per year, and here is a site that proves it:
https://www.prisonpolicy.org/prisonindex/prisonlabor.html

A wall is a necessary first step towards reestablishing control over who comes in and out of the country. Personally, all the Mexicans I knew in California were honest and hard-working people. My dad is a doctor, who tells me what is going on in the hospitals today. In terms of immigration my two issues are 1) too much publicly funded hospital care for indigent immigrants. Partly seems due to Catholicism, possibly part due to anchor baby status. 2) Concerns about gangs from El Salvador for example, who pass through Mexico. Building a wall between the US and Mexico can help with both of these problems. It is my opinion that we should focus on building the wall, and rather than purging honest, hardworking Mexicans who have lived in the country for a long time.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could all stand in solidarity, and build that wall together??? Whether forced as prison inmates, or as America-loving volunteers – lets roast some corn, throw on some barbeque chicken. Get some Millers, and some Tecate’s goin’ and some Oysters with Taptio sauce on the grill. Lets throw some horseshoes and light off some fireworks to celebrate the commencement of our great wall…

Cellular Sperm Testing

A company has invented a cheap $5 cell phone test which measures the potency of sperm: https://arstechnica.com/science/2017/03/at-home-male-fertility-test-uses-semen-sucking-chip-and-a-smartphone/

They 3d printed a case that goes around the phone, plus a small chip that you bust a nut in. After you bust, the chip inserts on the top frame of the device, and a Google app takes super fast pictures of the sperms swimming, thereby measuring the potency of the sperm. Knowing how modern women are, this will probably all become one more intrusive thing (like STD tests) guys are forced to do for their chick, when they are first seeking approval. But at least this is cheap and can be done without going to a lab. You would think this would be useful for couples trying to see why the bitch hasn’t gotten knocked up yet. But if you banged her 100 times and busted in her , and there is no sign of a baby yet – then maybe you should assume you don’t have the most potent sperm in the world. Anyhow, in modernity we need an app for everything supposedly. So I would grade this as progress overall for the consumer, since its cheap and simple to do on your own. I do get sick of women testing their partners for everything under the sun, as well as the concept of test tube babies. Eugenics is lame, even if done in the modern liberal context, rather than a statist one.

Raw Force is the Answer

Think you’ve seen it all? You haven’t seen “Raw Force.” The first, and the only, kung-fu cannibal zombie sexploitation picture, this film makes other schlock offerings look timid by comparison. This 1981 masterpiece is about a cruise of horny men and women skilled in kung fu to a cannibal zombie island, It’s “The Love Boat” in hell. This film has more nudity, more kung fu, and more zombies than you can shake a stick at. The cast includes the legendary Cameron Mitchell (from the original “Toolbox Murders” and “Deadly Prey”) and the nude Camille Keaton (from the original “I Spit on Your Grave”). This movie works due to its mixture of ridiculous moments with schlocky enthusiasm.

The director. Edward D. Murphy, only wrote and directed one other film but did go on to act in “Three Men and a Baby” and “Goodfellas.” The film is available in a Blu-ray/DVD combo pack with extras that include interviews with the filmmakers. I advise all fans of sexy and schlocky films to pick this up without delay!

Abolish FISA Courts

Like something out of a Franz Kafka novel, FBI director James Comey today testified to the US Congress that he cannot divulge whether a FISA warrant was issued to monitor Trump’s communications. If the president and the Congress cannot use oversight to see whether a warrant was issued by that court, then that court is ILLEGAL. Comey also testified that FBI had a SECRET investigation into Trump/Russia collusion. Secret courts + secret warrants against politically controversial people = OUTRIGHT TYRRANY!!!

ABOLISH ALL SECRET COURTS! ABOLISH SECRET INVESTIGATIONS OF POLITICAL OPPONENTS!

Fire and jail james comey, who has led a rogue political investigation for leftist purposes. Use him as an example that WE THE PEOPLE still run this nation. Not secret courts and secret investigations!!!

More Dystopian Cinema

Love him or hate him, Donald Trump has irrevocably altered the American political landscape. That can clearly be seen in two new low-budget horror films, Roger Corman’s “Death Race 2050” and Greg McLean’s “The Belko Experiment.” Although neither of these films is a cinematic masterpiece, they are both worth seeing because they perfectly show the fractured political landscape America is in right now.

“Death Race 2050” shows how we live in a very violent society presided over by a very strange man (Malcolm McDowell at his most outrisageous) who resembles Donald Trump. In the society portrayed in the film, nothing seems to matter except getting good kills. The film brings back the Frankenstein driver character from “Death Race 2000” as well as the dystopian future where nothing matters except hedonism and violence. The film attempts to make its low budget a virtue with deliberately cheesy special FX, but the concept of a deadly car chase is what works particularly well here. The point seems to be that our society is headed in a more nihilistic direction, and it is a point I do not disagree with. The film is new to DVD and Blu ray and is streaming on Netflix.

“The Belko Experiment,” which just opened in theaters., is written and produced by James Gunn, who gave us “Guardians of the Galaxy” and “Slither.” The director gave us the “Wolf Creek” films. This film is about American employees at a corporation in Colombia who get locked into their workplace and forced into the ultimate corundum: kill or die. The film is about how the previously friendly employees at the corporation deal with the fact that to survive, they will apparently have to kill each other. This film is more disturbing than most horror films because:

1. The reasons for this deadly corporate psychological experiment are never explained.
2. The most likeable characters generally die first. I particularly felt bad for the black security guard who ends up getting killed for doing his job of holding onto the keys to the armory. Rarely have I seen a more likeable character bite the dust in a horror film.

This film will be criticized for being too cynical and having no apparent point, but in fact it shows the arbitrary divisions that are springing up between us in America right now, and how violence is being shown as a solution to our problems in some parts of our society. If you doubt this, look at the vitriol on both sides of the political aisle right now. This film shows us that we need to be careful before signing our rights away to a corporation (or, for that matter, the government) because the people in charge cannot be trusted.

These films will be regarded as exploitative trash by most people, but I found them to be well worth watching. They both show the consequences of a violence-obsessed society. I recommend them as good beer-drinking drive-in movies and as food for thought. Until next time… –CoolAC

Crop Circle Linguistics

Crop circles are actually advanced binary codes, more advanced than anything humans have. Either that or they are markers for interplanetary time-travelers. This, according to a UC trained chemist named Dr. Horace Drew, who presented his thesis at a recent conference in Australia.

http://www.coasttocoastam.com/article/scientist-claims-to-have-decoded-crop-circles/

Examples of translations the scientist gave from crop circles included simple concepts, “Much pain but still time. Believe. There is good out there,” or “beware the bearers of false gifts and their broken promises.” “Also, friends don’t let friends vote Democrat” and ‘Rough day – lets get drunk”. Its suggested the aliens are more-or-less talking down to us humans, and trying to communicate basic ideas we could have in common.

I LOVE VAMPIRELLA

Forget Spiderman and The Incredible Hulk and Thor Forget Wonder Woman. PLEASE forget Elektra and Catwoman. The comic book character we need to see on the big screen is Vampirella. Sexy, brave, and mean, she is everything that most of the comic book heroes and heroines are not. When will Vampirella get her due?

One person who obviously agrees with me about this is Roger Corman, who gave us a cheap but surprisingly decent and sexy film of the comic in 1996. Made for just $1,000,000, the film gave us Bond girl Talisa Soto as Vampirella, and the Who singer-songwriter Roger Daltrey as Vlad. The story, while impossible to take seriously, is OK. It’s an origin story with Vampirella and Vlad landing on Earth. She refuses to join the traditional vampires of Earth, while he revels in vampire glory and performs a song. They have major chemistry together, but he is her enemy. Basically, Vampirella is a misunderstood, tough, loveable woman, and every horny teenager’s wet dream.

This film was made on the cheap, but it’s pretty good. The acting is better than you’d expect, and, if you don’t mind stock footage from “Galaxy of Terror” being used, the production values are OK. It’s much better than Corman’s infamous, unreleased “Fantastic Four” movie. And Talisa Soto is HOT!

Please, Hollywood, give us a big-budget Vampirella movie. She’s a great character and her story deserves to be told. Until then, watch the 1996 film “Vampirella”, since it’s a sexy, fun movie. And please boycott the Wonder Woman move; it looks lame.