Tired of streaming? Sick of Redbox? Try something different! Have a VHS marathon! That’s what the staff of Groin decided to do NYE. And we decided to also get really drunk since conspiracy sites had told us that a comet was scheduled to hit the Earth that night, and we were expecting a Night of the Comet like event. So we decided to ask the people under the stairs to look through our dusty, secret hidden crate and dig out the appropriate VHS tapes to mark the occasion.
I was slowly coming to grips with my dastardly fate (I hate it when comets wipe out the Earth!), which surely awaited me and all of society…. This New Year’s Eve and Day, I did exactly that. With quality fine spirits in both hands, I watched numerous VHS tapes in hope of dredging up that ’80’s and ’90’s nostalgia of watching films late at night on VHS. I figured you only live once and this is the way to go! There’s no living for tomorrow baby! You got to live for today!
So I started with a Charles Band double feature: “Meridian: Kiss of the Beast” and “Crash and Burn.”
“Meridian” is a hard-R take on “Beauty and the Beast” starring Sherilyn Fenn as a woman who returns to her ancestor’s castle in Italy, and is promptly romanced by two twins, one of whom turns into a beast during sex. This movie is surprisingly good because director Band has filmed it well and with plenty of atmosphere on location, and also because Fenn spends about 20 minutes of the movie naked. I had no idea fairy tales could be so steamy! I definitely recommend this film to anyone looking for a sexy movie or a new take on the fairy tale.
“Crash and Burn,” also directed by Band, is a post-apocalypse science-fiction film in the tradition of “Hardware.” It is set in the early 2000’s, where the ozone layer has destroyed the atmosphere and the economy has collapsed. Corporations rule everything, and at a remote outpost, a group of about six people, led by Megan Ward, are doing battle with a psychopathic android, played by Bill Mosely. It turns out the only way this menacing killer can be stopped is by reviving a dormant giant robot to do battle with it. This is not a great movie, as it’s slow in places, but it has good special effects and gratuitous nudity. Both “Meridian” and “Crash and Burn” are Full Moon Productions, so the VHS tapes include behind-the-scenes footage and ads for other Full Moon films and products.
I finished my drunken New Year’s celebration off with “Wheels of Terror,” a rip-off of “Duel” and “The Car” about Joanna Cassidy (from “Blade Runner”) and her daughter being menaced by a black Dodge Charger. Inside the car is a child molester and murderer, who we never see, and Joanna Cassidy drives a school bus of scared children after the driver because her daughter is in the Charger and must be saved. This one is kind of silly and corny in some ways, but it is well filmed by Christopher Cain, who directed “Young Guns,” and I found myself getting involved despite myself.
All in all, I was very happy that my home planet (Earth) was not hit by a comet this NYE. At the same time I feel more and more inspired every day to dig through my large VHS collection and find some treasures to speak about! -CoolAC