Author: Lord Beardschlimmer Wilhelm Bartholomew III

Leading the charge against societal decay!

Salvaged: Part One

 

 

Journal Entry:
January 2041

I have been relegated to a colonial dance reformation camp. Cortez took over as Empirado, following the secret poisoning and coma of the controversial populist leader. We were injected with experimental serums, and our wealth was confiscated. I grew a third arm, and my head became malformed, in a triangular distorted shape, somewhat putty-like and malleable, with bionic infared eyes. SSRI injections were mandatory, but at least in the camps sex with robots was permitted. Whereas, in society at large, everything was now considered rape, due to the #MeToo Movement, and capital punishment often resulted for males. SSRI sex was often said to be dysfunctional, but I found it to be the best of my life. Of course, the state confiscated our seed and fed it into a mass incubator, growing a mindless army of young drone workers for the collective society. By day we were forced to work on mass synchronized dance moves. The energy was harvested to kinetically power air conditioning systems and entertainment systems for the elite. And on it went.

 

Amityville Collection Blu Ray is A-OK

I can’t believe I bought the “Amityville Horror” Blu-ray collection, but I did, and it’s awesome! It had been sitting on a shelf at Walmart for over a month for $30 plus tax, and I wasn’t sure whether to get it or not. I had always enjoyed the films as a teen, but would they hold up and would they be amazing in HD? The answers are yes and HELL, YEAH! The first film, a big blockbuster from 1979, starred James Brolin and Margot Kidder as the a couple with kids who move into a striking real-life house with a troubling history. A young man named Ronald DeFeo Jr. had gone crazy and murdered his parents, his and his two brothers and sisters. Most people would balk at living in a “murder house,” but George and Kathy Lutz (a real-life couple who successfully concocted the Amityville hoax) are fine with it, to a point. The green slime in the toilet and the daughter’s imaginary friend Jody don’t seem to phase them too much, but seeing ghost pigs and George’s near transformation into a psychopath have more of an effect. A priest (played by Rod Steiger) is scarred for life when he tries to bless the house; beware the flies! Ultimately, the Lutzes flee and the movie ends. In real life, they went on a national tour talking about their (supposedly true) experiences, and ultimately their story became a very scary best selling novel by Jay Anson.

Lilo Schiflin composed the score for the first two films. It was rumored to be the rejected score for the Exorcist, though that has never been confirmed. It is a quite haunting score, which a creepy kids choir. It was nominated for an Oscar. Reminiscing about the film on the behind the scenes, Brolin and Kidder, revealed they did not feel the film was rooted in any super natural reality. Yet Brolin was freaked out by the book. They felt it was an awesome follow up for her, in terms of contrast and variety, following her profile role in the original Superman. Dianne Franklin, as the teen girl, was also in Better Off Dead (with John Cusak), as the French Exchange student. Her performance was very good, considering this was conceived as an exploitation film. This movie did rise above in terms of production. Writing wise, the writer later on directed Halloween 3, Fright Night 2, and IT.

Amityville 3 was a very popular 3-D film in theatres back in 1983. It had a young Meg Ryan in a supporting role. There was a great priest killed by bees scene. It was known for not having much to do with the first two films, and for being slightly comedic by comparison. It is not nearly as good or memorable as the first two films, yet it manages to be nearly as entertaining.

Shout Factory has produced such a great copy of this film in this 3 film Blu Ray set, that it forces you to re-evaluate the quality of these films, especially the first two. The colors are crisp, and it brings you back to that era and lets you see the grain of the film. The sound is mastered excellently as well. Each film comes with a lot of behind the scenes extras.

The director of the second film states that he was drawn to the material since it was based on a true story, unlike the first and third installments. The scenes that intimated inbreeding between the brother and sister got cut out, along with the depiction of the father raping the mother. It was his first film in America, his other films having been Italian. This was his only horror film attempt, so he wanted to make it count. The director lamented a horribly cheesy line which got left in the final cut, where a character yells,” Worms!” as he dies. By the way, as a piece of trivia, did you know in real life the killer depicted in the series is actually still alive, serving out life in prison. His insanity plea failed, and he got 6 consecutive life sentences. He was convicted of several second degree murders.

Don’t waste your money on The Conjuring or other pale imitations. Stick with the old school. Stick with the originals. Go get this box set. It will probably go out of print and be worth $ eventually too.

The First Purge = White People Are Bad

Featuring a multi-cultural inner city cast, and perpetuating black gangster stereotypes of 1970s blackploitation films, the First Purge attempts to explain why people need so many rules (plus law enforcement in order to act like responsible individuals. This series represents mankind in a violent Hobbesian state of nature, pitted against each other in a zero sum game. The evil (mostly white) government has set up a social “experiment” which pays people to harm one another and violate them or kill. The film starts off as a shoddily filmed yawn, with the PC crowd protesting the upcoming violence. The acting is so so in the early parts of the film.

Things start to pick up when the government implants colorful video cameras into the eyes of the contestants, doing surveillance on them, and rewarding them (theoretically since they wind up killed and not able to collect) with cash. It turns out the government (evil white people) want to cull the population. It is not an experiment so much as class warfare or possibly genocide. As the contest goes on , not enough people are participating in killing each other. Therefor, the government inserts mercenaries from private ex military personnel to dress as contestants and go waste everyone. These other bad guys are of course white. There are minority bad guys, who always turn out to have a lame excuse like being poor so they have to do crime, or they are crazy. Remember, only white people do evil because they actually are evil. And remember that black guy drug gangs are really the good guys. And they will be the ones who will save you from ‘The Man’, when all the shit goes down. Gangster guys can just do drugs and run on the treadmill all day. And they will automatically turn into a ninja and they will kill everyone and save you.

If you remember all that , then maybe you can survive the holocaust too! Oh. And don’t forget to listen to ganster rap all day long. And focus on CNN as your main news source. This left wing paranoid fantasy against the right is a bit absurd, though fun at times. One great scene involved two crazy female contestants who had set up a minefield booby trapped with deranged plastic baby dolls. This film was worth the matinee price for that part alone. Overall, there were some great visuals. Besides the latter mentioned, there is an insane black guy mental patient character who kills with syringes taped to his hand (like Freddy 3 classic kill moment) which I also really appreciated. Also noteworthy are the similarities to the video games Manhunt and Silent Hill. A lot of the imagery used in these films is that grainy urban nightmarish style from the late 90s video games that influenced a generation. Manhunt was really controversial , but this film goes over like a Pina Colada. This movie was a little more ‘Hate Whitey’ than the other purge movies, where a white dude saved hella people on one hand. I have to give it a c+. Fuck the man!

“The Editor” is a Solid Parody/Homage

There’s a 2014 Canadian horror/comedy called “The Editor” on DVD and Blu-ray that is definitely worth checking out. It is made in the style of an Italian horror film, complete with questionable dubbing, an elaborate color palette, and overblown scenes of sex and violence. It is about the making of a horror film that is being plagued by murders of the cast and film crew. The prime suspect is the film’s editor Rey Cisco (played by Adam Brooks, co-director of this film), who lost some of his fingers in an accident years ago. Did he or didn’t he? Or was it someone else? According to Wikipedia, this film contains explicit references to such films as “Don’t Look Now,” “Dressed to Kill,” “Black Belly of the Tarantula,” “The Beyond,” “New York Ripper,” “Murder Rock,” “Four Flies on Gray Velvet,”” “Inferno,” “Mother of Tears,” “Pieces.” “The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh,” “Hitch-Hike,” and more. The film also takes place in part in the D’Argento Apartment Buildings, a clear reference to the Master of Horror. It is a parody of the giallo, a distinctly Italian form of murder mystery in which everyone is flawed and therefore a suspect. Although the premise sounds simple enough, the plot soon becomes as complicated as “Mulholland Drive” or an Almodovar movie, making enjoying the homages and the blood and the sex the best way to enjoy the film. Despite costing only $135,000 Canadian dollars, the film looks great and has suspense and good acting. Perhaps the biggest name in the cast is Udo Kier as a film director, and he does a bang-up job. Overall, the film delivers a large amount of laughs and screams, and as a result it is highly recommended! If low-budget horror is your thing, don’t miss “The Editor.”

Shadow Puppets is a Power Play

This book reads like an intergalactic version of Rise and Fall of the Great Powers. China , India, and other BRICS face off against each other on Earth. The author suggests that war is a way the elites control and unite the masses.

“And mouths and … well, yes of course. A little more independent, and a little less obedient than the individual Formics, of course, but that’s how a species comes to dominate a world the way we did, and they did. Because you know how to get a large group of individuals to give up their personal will and subject themselves to a group mind.” (Page 240 of the paperback)

Cryptic discussion of why the US doesn’t invest in countries like Iran:

“Locke almost never wrote against China directly, but rather took it for granted that there would be another invasion, and that long term investments in probable target countries might be unwise, that sort of thing. (Page 248)

Discussion of military tactics here:

“Because, contrary to widespread belief, Achilles is not a genius, and he does make mistakes. His reach is not infinite and his power can be blocked. He doesn’t know everything. He doesn’t have everything planned. I think half the time he’s winging it, putting himself in the way of opportunity and seizing it when he sees it. (page 251)

Card talks about the deep state and the Illuminati running things, bureaucrats basically:

“Most people didn’t even know where the decision making level was, since it was certainly not the famous decision makers at the top, who were too old to think of anything new and too frightened of losing their perks or getting caught out in their decades of criminal acts ever to do anything but say, “Do as you think wise,” to their underlings.” (Page 301)

Cult “Bee-Movie” Fun!

Looking for sexy B-movie fun from the 1970’s? Look no further than “Invasion of the Bee Girls,” a strange, surprising, daft, and rather wonderful soctcore sci-fi/horror/comedy from 1973. The film stars William Smith, the great tough guy actor from films like “Hells Angels on Wheels” and David Cronenberg’s “Fast Company,” as a police detective in a small American town. His job is to answer a rather complicated question: Why is there an epidemic of men inexplicably dropping dead? Well, it turns out that they’re all dying. How could that be? Smith is not sure, but there is a really hilarious scene where he tries to convince the men of the town to practice abstinence, That scene alone would be enough to make the film worth a look, but this movie is just getting warmed up. It turns out that there’s a mad female scientist in town who wants to turn all women into queen bees. As a documentary within the film helpfully explains, queen bees mate and usually kill the male bees they mate with, all in order to procreate. The idea is to make women all-powerful and males expendable. It works like a charm, except for the radiation!

This film has some good acting, an original story, hot babes taking their clothes off, interesting choices of music, and great dialogue courtesy of Nicholas Meyer (also responsible for “Star Trek 2,” “Star Trek 4,” and “Star Trek 6”). This film has a lot of interesting things to say about feminism and the battle of the sexes. For example, it shows how men can’t resist a hot woman even if they think they might be deadly. We also see how women would prefer to be rid of men and so use them only to procreate. Ultimately, the film is like a sci-fi Russ Meyer movie, and a pretty damned good one too! If you like outrageous films, don’t miss “Invasion of the Bee Girls,” available on DVD and Blu-ray. It’s satire with a real sting!

What Could Go Wrong?

Oil is spiking, trade war is on, inflation is up, housing has peaked, Assad will probably do another chem. attack, Bolton wants war with Iran, and you also have Mueller v Trump (president’s lawyer having been raided and flipped like in Nazi Germany or something), and on top of all this the NK agreement will fall apart. What could possibly go wrong?? Oh and I forgot the budget deficit is unsustainable and Mexico just elected some guy who will crash the peso and is making a ‘deal’ with the drug lords, while telling the peasants to all head for the US.

Modern Movie Theaters SUCK

Want to know why Netflix is so fucking popular? Because the modern movie theaters are the worst, the stupidest, the foulest the lamest, the gayest, the most annoying, the LOWEST common denominator, AND the most moronic THING ever! How bad is it? Well, my brother and I TRIED to go see “Uncle Drew.” (which by all accounts is just a dumb basketball comedy featuring NBA stars who probably can’t act). The theater, Century 14 Northridge in Salinas, is already on my GAYDAR because they recently started forcing patrons to pick a seat when they buy their ticket. That means you may THINK that the theater is relatively uncrowded when you arrive at the theater a few minutes before the trailers start, but IN FACT an ARMY of FATTIES has already made sure that the theater is either SOLD OUT or ALL THE GOOD SEATS ARE TAKEN! “Uncle Drew” was sold out, as was “Sicario 2.” These movies are NOT EVEN HITS! On the rare occasions you do get into this theater (or AMC Eastridge 15 in San Jose) you end up with a theater of idiotic teenagers and families TALKING and TEXTING on their CELL PHONES and LOUDLY Slurping their COCA-FUCKING-COLA and MUNCHING on their goddamn EXTRA-BUTTERY popcorn. Then you have to watch 20 MINUTES of trailers for LAME movies like “Ant-Man 2” and whatever fucking animated crap is coming out, You can never be sure if you can get through your movie because some lardass family with a crying, shitting baby and, of course, advance tickets could sit down next to you at any FUCKING moment! After all this SHIT, the movie usually SUCKS anyway! I hate these two movie theaters so much that I hope I NEVER go there again!

How can these theaters save themselves and lure me back? 1. Start showing better movies; that’ll scare away the philistines! 2. Get rid of assigned seating; it’s causing disabled people to get the wrong end of the stick because their companion seats are automatically taken. 3. Stop showing so many trailers; if I’m at “Hereditary,” for example, I’m not interested in fucking “Ant-man.” 4. Add a ton of seats and increase the screen size. You can raise the admission price if you want to; I’m willing to pay more for a HALFWAY DECENT movie experience. The now defunct century dome theaters in San Jose offered a comfortable and immersive experience. 5. Similar to my first point: Stop pandering to children! Give movies like “The Shape of Water” and “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri” more screens than this fucking kids crap that is lobotomizing our country. 6. Ban all superhero movies NOW! They ALL suck harder than Caitlin Jenner at an Illuminati orgy!

If you read this article and agree with any of what I’m saying, tell your local cinema that these changes need to be made and NOW. Don’t wait; INTELLIGENT ADULT MOVIEGOERS UNITE!

(Addendum: The Maya Cinemas 14 in Salinas is much better than the two mentioned in this article, and so is Osio Theater in Monterey.)

Water Witch

What the hell is Water Witch? You might be thinking something like that. It is a 1970s sci fi pocket novel, written by two female authors:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Water_Witch_(novel)

You may remember that last year we covered a similar book by another female sci-fi author Andre Norton from the same period. Ooops I meant (time) period. This book revolves around a female main character, who is a con -artist who pretends to be able to locate water using her psychic abilities. Her deceased father comes along for the adventure, and takes on a funky new life form. He serves as her advisor, as she plots to overthrow Red City. Red City is in the grips of some Asshole Lizard Lord tycoon type. This plot is a big mess, but it is fun at the same time. It is neat that the plot is dystopian science fiction , like a Lions Gate film, but with much more fantasy. It was way ahead of its time.

It turns out the Tycoon asshole has been secretly hoarding all the water from the residents of Red City. The Water Witch lady stumbles into deep state complicity in Tycoon’s monopoly over everything. Eventually, Red City goes from being a desert wasteland, to being totally flooded with the hoarded water. Water Witches reincarnated dad somehow drowns in the flooding which occurs. This book is basically an inside look at how the elites and the deep state conspire to hoard all the land and resources from the people, by exploiting crony capitalism. Small businesses and the common man never stand a chance against the FANG conspiracy , which movies like Waterworld and Dune had foreshadowed (decades in advance). Besides the born elite and the indoctrinated deep state, the psychic con artist mystic water witch lady represents the politician. The politician is the false hope of the people, who stumbles upon a great con, but accidentally leads her people into great fortune, partly due to her tenacity and ambition.

Romney For Supreme Court

I predict that President Donald Trump will nominate Mitt Romney for the Supreme Court. Some people may think this would be a strange choice. However, I assure you that it is a winning one. Here is a look at why Romney would be confirmed, as a staunch conservative pro-life Justice. You will notice that the answers are all two-fold. They hinge around the idea that he is politically palatable, as well as being predictably far right. Romney is the far rights version of Fozzie the Bear, but with a killer instinct.

1) I am always right about this kinda stuff. From having predicted Trump winning the election, to me here at Groin.com having said Trump needed to bring Larry Kudlow and Giuliani into his administration, I have made the predictions that just fucking come true. Period.

2) Unlike many other conservatives (remember Bork), Romney would be confirmed. He is well perceived by the media , and even by the center. Remember that he was anti-Trump during the campaign, aligned with McCain, and others. Yet he is staunchly pro-life, and pro business. As a head of Bain Capitol, he ruthlessly pillaged crappy smaller companies, or inefficient larger companies, not un- like Gordon Gecko in the movie Wall Street. This makes him cool in my book, since I want a free market with low taxes. I know he’s my kinda guy. He is a businessman , just like Trump!

3) Even though Romney is far to the right on pro-life issues, the left wouldn’t be able to turn him into a villain very easily, since the American people are so familiar with him over time. The time has come for the right to hammer home the fact that the left’s pro abortion stance makes no sense in light of their concern over illegal alien children. It is time for the GOP to go ahead and pick that abortion fight. Only morons get chicks pregnant anyways, since any guy who knows what he is doing pulls out, or has other ways to not knock up a bitch.

4) There should be a Mormon on the Supreme Court. Always, Jesuits are chosen for it. The time has come to pick a Mormon. This is an angle the media will also like, and give Trump credit for. You know the GOP needs all those Mormon votes they can get. Probably good for GOP fundraising too!

5) Romney is a familiar name. Therefor, he has been vetted already – unlike other potential candidates.

6) Free market and pro-life should be the main goals in a candidate. That is essentially the root of the US Constitution, under which private property and other rights stem. Central control and punitive governance were anathema to the Founding Fathers. Romney represents individual freedom and life.

7) Selecting Romney takes away political opposition in future elections. Romney is a possible challenger to Trump’s reign come 2020 presidential election. Romney has the $, the name recognition , the connections, and the experience to make it a hard contest between him and Trump. Picking Romney nullifies any possible future challenge from Romney, and prevents him from running for presidency and failing to connect with enough voters to win a general election, resulting in another Dem. win.