Gold

First off, you are probably expecting a review of the new Matthew McConaughey movie “Gold,” but, well, Homey don’t play that…this is about the unheralded 1974 Roger Moore exploitation film. Set at a South Africa gold mine, the film’s about a conspiracy by the owners of the mine to cause the mine to drill a hole in the mine and flood it, making money off the rise in oil futures. To do this, they bring in Roger Moore as the new general manager, hoping his inexperience and naivety will make him an easy fall guy when their plans come to fruition. They didn’t count on his bullheaded courage, however, and he ends up saving the mine instead of destroying it.

This film is underrated and only showed at drive-ins as part of a double bill in America and is now a public domain DVD. Right off the bat, it opens with a great title song as the letters G-O-L-D flash on the screen. Indeed, Elmer Bernstein’s music is top-notch. Then we see that the film not only has Moore and Susannah York but also stars Oscar winners John Guilgud (from “Arthur) and Ray Milland. Moore is the man in this movie, rescuing miners and bedding married York. He is a man of suave sophistication and fierce resolve. Between the extramarital affair and the exploitation of South African men, this film is hilariously amoral. The reason I enjoy this film so much is that it is a product of a bygone era. No longer can films be so carelessly exploitative and get away with it. Also, “Gold” is from some of the better Bond filmmakers, including Peter Hunt, director of “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service) and John Glen (director of 5 good Bond films including “License to Kill”).

In short, “Gold” is a gem, a silly drive-in classic. Watch for it in the bargain bin DVD section and stay tuned for more reviews soon!

Who Will Survive?

Inspired by the heights of our New Years’ Eve VHS Marathon featuring such classics as “Wheels of Terror,” Deplorable Steve and I decided to continue our VHS marathon with “Massive Retaliation,” a 1984 movie about the dangers of nuclear war. As a fan of such films as “Threads,” “Testament,” and “The Day After,” this film was impossible for me to resist. Comparing this film to the other three, how does it stack up?

Well, the setup for all four films is much the same. In all of these films, a nuclear war is imminent, and people prepare. In this one, a group of survivalist families retreat to their bunkers while waiting for other family members, such as Jason Gedrick (from “Iron Eagle” and “The Heavenly Kid”) to arrive. Because of the seriousness of the situation and the graphic nature of the similar TV movies, we anticipate mass nuclear carnage but this flick goes in a different direction. It’s about how nuclear tensions lead to violence. We know we are in heady territory when Bobcat Golthwait, in his first “serious” role, appears and gets in a violent standoff with the other survivalists.

Another memorable thing about this movie is how it shows 1980’s nuclear tensions. But this film’s main strength and weakness are the same: because the nuclear crisis is evaded, the film is to be commended for avoiding cliché but called to the carpet for not being serious or gory enough. It’s not a bad little movie, but it doesn’t live up to the video box. Then again, what could?

Failed Utopia Cinema

At a time where many on the left are spinning doomsday scenarios as Trump gets inaugurated, it is useful to remember that a liberal utopian fantasy can be just as dangerous, if not more, than conservative ideas taken to their extreme. By looking at the real-life inspired film “Patty Hearst” from 1988 and the fictional but still relevant 1986 film “The Mosquito Coast,” we can see how radical leftism, rather than leading to a glorious utopia, instead leads to shattered dreams and chaos.

“Patty Hearst,’ for example, shows us the lengths that radical leftists, in this case the Symbionese Liberation Army (or S.L.A.), will go to indoctrinate someone into their group fantasy, or cult. Patty Heart is a nice, conservative woman going to U.C. Berkeley who is kidnapped, blindfolded, and then tormented and indoctrinated for months. She is repeatedly raped and loses all connection to the world. Once she loses her sense of identity, she becomes an ideal candidate to be indoctrinated into beliefs and fantasies of equality that she does not share, in part because the alternative is death. She becomes a puppet for a radical leftist organization and assists in robbing banks. It is only when she leaves this radical group and is arrested that she regains some semblance of herself. She ends up (probably unfairly) in jail but has regained her identity.

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“The Mosquito Coast,” on the other hand, is about a brilliant but mentally ill inventor named Allie Fox (played by Harrison Ford) who believes that society is on the verge of ruin. Tired of the rat race, he takes his wife and children to the fringes of Africa, where his invention leads to a utopian existence for a time. He scorns religion and believes not only that he is his own man but that everyone else should follow his beliefs. Unfortunately things go wrong and his deteriorating mental state makes it impossible for him to adjust. He tells lies to keep his fantasies going and he ends up dead.

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Basically, one can see facets of Obama in both characters. Like Patty Hearst, he has been indoctrinated into a rigid left-wing cult that believes in bringing down the elite and making everyone “equal.” And like Allie Fox, he is clinging to his left-wing ideals long after it should be obvious that they do not work. The S.L.A. would applaud his open-borders and universal requirement of health care for every American. And Allie Fox would applaud his scorn of basic Christian values in favor of an “I am right, dammit!’ approach.

We thought we were getting a pragmatist and we ended up getting a radical ideologue, Thanks, Obama! Check out these two movies to see where things went wrong. And remember, the road to radicalism begins with good intentions, so stay vigilant!

Young Pope Rules

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After the success of “Westworld” I was intrigued to see where HBO would go next. “The Young Pope” is probably less commercial but may end up being even better. The show is about a very flamboyant new American Pope who may be bisexual and agnostic. Jude Law is outstanding in this role in the first episode. Diane Keaton is promising as the nun and his most trusted advisor who brought him up after his parents died in his youth. The viewer is left wondering why his character was chosen to be pope, as well as what role and motivation Keaton’s character had in actualizing Law’s ascent to the papacy.

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This show has some very memorable moments such as imagined speeches that the Pope gives where he tells the crowds who came to see him to do whatever the hell they want. He appears to be conflicted about what message he wants to give his followers. The director has a sly way of showing that the personal interest of the ruler pope is not what is similarly in the best interest of his followers.

What makes the Young Pope so interesting is that it is very unpredictable. The viewer has no way of knowing his intentions. What is clear is that he is highly ambitious, cunning, and ruthless. He smokes cigarettes, and crosses over taboo subjects in his conversations and in his daydreams. There are hints of a dark past.

It will be fascinating to see if this show generates controversy in America. Will this show’s cynical take on the Pope amuse or repel audiences? Well, it amused me and held me in thrall. I think this kind of intelligent entertainment is what we need right now in the wake of our political landscape being so dumbed-down and partisan. “The Young Pope” is not for everyone, but it is a must for the thoughtful viewer. This show airs new episodes Sunday and Monday nights on HBO.

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Bye Bye Man : TeenieSlayer

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I went to check out this flick because the trailer made it look like a cool rip-off of the 90’s classic Candyman. Knew there was a chance that there would be a bunch of annoying teens at the theatre because this film is only PG-13. So while standing in line there were a bunch of 14 year olds buying tickets in big groups ahead of us, one after the next. The film was pretty basic, a boogieman of sorts exists, who shows up and kills you when you become aware of his existence. Well actually he gets you to kill yourself and anyone else who knows by causing hallucinations. The Bye Bye Man appears as a tall skinny mute albino demon looking type thing and he has a burley hell-dog that munches on you after you perish. That part is pretty effective, and the visuals are good.

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And a lot of people die in this film (for a PG-13).

The down side of this film are that there is no character development. The main character’s only personality is that he wears different punk rock t-shirts everyday. The Bye Bye Man is killing teen after teen, and for better or worse, the viewer is indifferent to their plight since they are just another pretty face. Another minus is that the crowd of pubescent teens are talking over this film about the various 9th grade parties going on later that night, complete with their puberty fantasies , while the movie is playing. I would recommend going to see this film after curfew so that you don’t have to deal with annoying teens. The lady from the Matrix has a small part as detective, which is well acted. The acting in the flashback scenes was a bit weak though.

Some might say that the film fails to give an explanation for the Bye Bye Man’s origin. I think its good that it avoids that cliché. The film is from a pretty acclaimed director. And its pretty good overall for a teeny bopper film. It could have been better had it been rated R and took more time with character development and took itself more seriously, because the villain is horrific.

Plan 9 From Underworld

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The “Underworld” series is really something. It has great action and special FX and terrible scripts. The new installment, “Underworld: Blood Wars,” finds the heroine played by Kate Beckinsale once again in the middle of the war between vampires and Lycans, or werewolves. Her character is really hot and apparently cannot be killed and is a Death Dealer. Charles Dance (from “The Golden Child” and “Alien 3”) is also in the movie as the heroine’s (I think)grandfather, and he hams it up in fine Christopher Lee fashion. He’s a great actor and has helped save many a genre film. However, most of the acting and literally the entire script is bad. All this business about Lycans and Death Dealers is beyond me to explain, but what’s good about this movie and the series is the action and set design. I did feel like I was in another world, albeit a world without character development.

To say this film is ridiculous is a grave understatement; there is so much sneering and so many double-crosses that the film becomes a parody of itself. Beckinsale doesn’t act; she just poses. Many of the actors appear to be posing for a Calvin Klein commercial, in fact. And yet despite all this, I LIKED this flick. It’s like a Hammer film crossed with Clive Barker’s “Nightbreed” on crack. It aims for a sort of “Empire Strikes Back” kind of feeling, and it doesn’t totally fail. It earns its R rating with massive bloodshed and lots of sexual innuendo. And it doesn’t seem TOO much like a video game. The series also beat “Twilight” and “The Daybreakers” to the screen, so it was passably original. If the scripts had ever been any good, this could’ve been the greatest horror series ever. As it is, it is one of my leading guilty pleasure. You have to put your brain on hold, but if you do, “Underworld: Blood Wars” is good fun. I would compare it to the 90s sci-fi epic “Waterworld” in that regard.

NYE VHS Apocalypse

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Tired of streaming? Sick of Redbox? Try something different! Have a VHS marathon! That’s what the staff of Groin decided to do NYE. And we decided to also get really drunk since conspiracy sites had told us that a comet was scheduled to hit the Earth that night, and we were expecting a Night of the Comet like event. So we decided to ask the people under the stairs to look through our dusty, secret hidden crate and dig out the appropriate VHS tapes to mark the occasion.

I was slowly coming to grips with my dastardly fate (I hate it when comets wipe out the Earth!), which surely awaited me and all of society…. This New Year’s Eve and Day, I did exactly that. With quality fine spirits  in both hands, I watched numerous VHS tapes in hope of dredging up that ’80’s and ’90’s nostalgia of watching films late at night on VHS. I figured you only live once and this is the way to go! There’s no living for tomorrow baby! You got to live for today!

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So I started with a Charles Band double feature: “Meridian: Kiss of the Beast” and “Crash and Burn.”

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“Meridian” is a hard-R take on “Beauty and the Beast” starring Sherilyn Fenn as a woman who returns to her ancestor’s castle in Italy, and is promptly romanced by two twins, one of whom turns into a beast during sex. This movie is surprisingly good because director Band has filmed it well and with plenty of atmosphere on location, and also because Fenn spends about 20 minutes of the movie naked. I had no idea fairy tales could be so steamy! I definitely recommend this film to anyone looking for a sexy movie or a new take on the fairy tale.

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“Crash and Burn,” also directed by Band, is a post-apocalypse science-fiction film in the tradition of “Hardware.” It is set in the early 2000’s, where the ozone layer has destroyed the atmosphere and the economy has collapsed. Corporations rule everything, and at a remote outpost, a group of about six people, led by Megan Ward, are doing battle with a psychopathic android, played by Bill Mosely. It turns out the only way this menacing killer can be stopped is by reviving a dormant giant robot to do battle with it. This is not a great movie, as it’s slow in places, but it has good special effects and gratuitous nudity. Both “Meridian” and “Crash and Burn” are Full Moon Productions, so the VHS tapes include behind-the-scenes footage and ads for other Full Moon films and products.

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I finished my drunken New Year’s celebration off with “Wheels of Terror,” a rip-off of “Duel” and “The Car” about Joanna Cassidy (from “Blade Runner”) and her daughter being menaced by a black Dodge Charger. Inside the car is a child molester and murderer, who we never see, and Joanna Cassidy drives a school bus of scared children after the driver because her daughter is in the Charger and must be saved. This one is kind of silly and corny in some ways, but it is well filmed by Christopher Cain, who directed “Young Guns,” and I found myself getting involved despite myself.

All in all, I was very happy that my home planet (Earth) was not hit by a comet this NYE. At the same time I feel more and more inspired every day to dig through my large VHS collection and find some treasures to speak about! -CoolAC

Incarnate is Hokey Fun

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Sometimes when I’m bored, I don’t want to see an Oscar winner, or even a well-composed film. Sometimes, I’m in the mood for a lowest-common-denominator horror film. A sensitive close-encounter sci-fi film? Nope. A moving war epic about a pacifist? Try again. Aaron Eckhart in a wheelchair battling demons? Sounds great!

“Incarnate” is indeed about a wheelchair-bound man who works as an exorcist. The thing is, though, rather than using prayer and holy water, he enters the subconscious of the possessed and saves them by helping them escape the demons with their mind. The twist is that he doesn’t really care about the people he helps; instead, he wants to get back at the demon who killed his wife and daughter and left him in a wheelchair.

Are you following any of this? It doesn’t matter. “Incarnate” is a sublimely bad movie, rather than a run-of-the-mill bore. Aaron Eckhart is a great actor who will someday get the praise he deserves, but, for now, he’s turning films like this and “I, Frankenstein” into must-see bad movie classics. His nonchalance when confronting demons is classic. The fact that he is in a wheelchair because of a demon named Maggie is perfect. The 11-year old he is helping is a mean demon himself; this movie does have a (small) body count. In short, if you have refined tastes and require that the films you watch are of high quality, skip this film. But if you enjoy Aaron Eckhart and cheap but fun films about demonic possession, check this flick out. It’s bad but tons of fun! –CoolAC

Arrival: Giger meets Kubrick

arrival-2016-film-trailerAliens in cinema have been pretty standard the last couple of years; they invade, we respond, there’s a battle, patriotic music swells, audience falls asleep. “Arrival” sort of belongs to the Hollywood template, but it is also excitingly different. Amy Adams plays a linguist who is brought in by the government to translate alien communication from one of about a dozen UFO’s that have landed around the world. Together with a theoretical physicist played by Jeremy Renner, she must figure out what the aliens want before time runs out and we attack them in fear. The film is interesting because it shows how we might realistically respond to an alien visit, and also the process involved in trying to communicate with them. It takes “Close Encounters” to the next level. Also, the design of the aliens, which I won’t reveal here, is quite fascinating and different from what we normally get. A twist ending also makes things very interesting and makes the film a good one for repeat viewing. On the minus side, the film is slow-paced and sappy at times, and Forest Whitaker is woefully underused. Overall, however, “Arrival” is very cool and highly recommended. It’ll make you rethink your stance on ET’s.

Intense Film: Desierto

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Looking for a different kind of foreign film? Not the artsy kind, not the crowd-pleasing kind, but one with terror and suspense? Welcome to “Desierto,” a film that couldn’t have arrived at a more timely moment than right now. It is about a group of immigrants who have just crossed the border and are in the desert, looking forward to new, better lives in America. Unfortunately for them, a hick cowboy with a mean dog is taking it as his mission to shoot and kill as many illegal immigrants as he can. Obviously, a standoff is coming. Can anyone survive?

The movie works because it doesn’t push its concept beyond B-movie basics. Gael Garcia Bernal is a good protagonist and Jeffrey Dean Mprgan is chilling as the villain, who sees killing illegal immigrants as being all in a day’s work. The film is so well-made that you feel like you’re in the desert with the characters. Director Jonas Cauron gives us a blunt, unpretentious thriller that scores big because it never tries to make political and didactic points. If you want to be thrilled beyond all expectation, go see “Desierto.” –CoolAC

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