film reviews – Page 3

Plan 9 From Underworld

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The “Underworld” series is really something. It has great action and special FX and terrible scripts. The new installment, “Underworld: Blood Wars,” finds the heroine played by Kate Beckinsale once again in the middle of the war between vampires and Lycans, or werewolves. Her character is really hot and apparently cannot be killed and is a Death Dealer. Charles Dance (from “The Golden Child” and “Alien 3”) is also in the movie as the heroine’s (I think)grandfather, and he hams it up in fine Christopher Lee fashion. He’s a great actor and has helped save many a genre film. However, most of the acting and literally the entire script is bad. All this business about Lycans and Death Dealers is beyond me to explain, but what’s good about this movie and the series is the action and set design. I did feel like I was in another world, albeit a world without character development.

To say this film is ridiculous is a grave understatement; there is so much sneering and so many double-crosses that the film becomes a parody of itself. Beckinsale doesn’t act; she just poses. Many of the actors appear to be posing for a Calvin Klein commercial, in fact. And yet despite all this, I LIKED this flick. It’s like a Hammer film crossed with Clive Barker’s “Nightbreed” on crack. It aims for a sort of “Empire Strikes Back” kind of feeling, and it doesn’t totally fail. It earns its R rating with massive bloodshed and lots of sexual innuendo. And it doesn’t seem TOO much like a video game. The series also beat “Twilight” and “The Daybreakers” to the screen, so it was passably original. If the scripts had ever been any good, this could’ve been the greatest horror series ever. As it is, it is one of my leading guilty pleasure. You have to put your brain on hold, but if you do, “Underworld: Blood Wars” is good fun. I would compare it to the 90s sci-fi epic “Waterworld” in that regard.

NYE VHS Apocalypse

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Tired of streaming? Sick of Redbox? Try something different! Have a VHS marathon! That’s what the staff of Groin decided to do NYE. And we decided to also get really drunk since conspiracy sites had told us that a comet was scheduled to hit the Earth that night, and we were expecting a Night of the Comet like event. So we decided to ask the people under the stairs to look through our dusty, secret hidden crate and dig out the appropriate VHS tapes to mark the occasion.

I was slowly coming to grips with my dastardly fate (I hate it when comets wipe out the Earth!), which surely awaited me and all of society…. This New Year’s Eve and Day, I did exactly that. With quality fine spirits in both hands, I watched numerous VHS tapes in hope of dredging up that ’80’s and ’90’s nostalgia of watching films late at night on VHS. I figured you only live once and this is the way to go! There’s no living for tomorrow baby! You got to live for today!

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So I started with a Charles Band double feature: “Meridian: Kiss of the Beast” and “Crash and Burn.”

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“Meridian” is a hard-R take on “Beauty and the Beast” starring Sherilyn Fenn as a woman who returns to her ancestor’s castle in Italy, and is promptly romanced by two twins, one of whom turns into a beast during sex. This movie is surprisingly good because director Band has filmed it well and with plenty of atmosphere on location, and also because Fenn spends about 20 minutes of the movie naked. I had no idea fairy tales could be so steamy! I definitely recommend this film to anyone looking for a sexy movie or a new take on the fairy tale.

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“Crash and Burn,” also directed by Band, is a post-apocalypse science-fiction film in the tradition of “Hardware.” It is set in the early 2000’s, where the ozone layer has destroyed the atmosphere and the economy has collapsed. Corporations rule everything, and at a remote outpost, a group of about six people, led by Megan Ward, are doing battle with a psychopathic android, played by Bill Mosely. It turns out the only way this menacing killer can be stopped is by reviving a dormant giant robot to do battle with it. This is not a great movie, as it’s slow in places, but it has good special effects and gratuitous nudity. Both “Meridian” and “Crash and Burn” are Full Moon Productions, so the VHS tapes include behind-the-scenes footage and ads for other Full Moon films and products.

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I finished my drunken New Year’s celebration off with “Wheels of Terror,” a rip-off of “Duel” and “The Car” about Joanna Cassidy (from “Blade Runner”) and her daughter being menaced by a black Dodge Charger. Inside the car is a child molester and murderer, who we never see, and Joanna Cassidy drives a school bus of scared children after the driver because her daughter is in the Charger and must be saved. This one is kind of silly and corny in some ways, but it is well filmed by Christopher Cain, who directed “Young Guns,” and I found myself getting involved despite myself.

All in all, I was very happy that my home planet (Earth) was not hit by a comet this NYE. At the same time I feel more and more inspired every day to dig through my large VHS collection and find some treasures to speak about! -CoolAC

Incarnate is Hokey Fun

Sometimes when I’m bored, I don’t want to see an Oscar winner, or even a well-composed film. Sometimes, I’m in the mood for a lowest-common-denominator horror film. A sensitive close-encounter sci-fi film? Nope. A moving war epic about a pacifist? Try again. Aaron Eckhart in a wheelchair battling demons? Sounds great!

“Incarnate” is indeed about a wheelchair-bound man who works as an exorcist. The thing is, though, rather than using prayer and holy water, he enters the subconscious of the possessed and saves them by helping them escape the demons with their mind. The twist is that he doesn’t really care about the people he helps; instead, he wants to get back at the demon who killed his wife and daughter and left him in a wheelchair.

Are you following any of this? It doesn’t matter. “Incarnate” is a sublimely bad movie, rather than a run-of-the-mill bore. Aaron Eckhart is a great actor who will someday get the praise he deserves, but, for now, he’s turning films like this and “I, Frankenstein” into must-see bad movie classics. His nonchalance when confronting demons is classic. The fact that he is in a wheelchair because of a demon named Maggie is perfect. The 11-year old he is helping is a mean demon himself; this movie does have a (small) body count. In short, if you have refined tastes and require that the films you watch are of high quality, skip this film. But if you enjoy Aaron Eckhart and cheap but fun films about demonic possession, check this flick out. It’s bad but tons of fun! –CoolAC

Arrival: Giger meets Kubrick

arrival-2016-film-trailer Aliens in cinema have been pretty standard the last couple of years; they invade, we respond, there’s a battle, patriotic music swells, audience falls asleep. “Arrival” sort of belongs to the Hollywood template, but it is also excitingly different. Amy Adams plays a linguist who is brought in by the government to translate alien communication from one of about a dozen UFO’s that have landed around the world. Together with a theoretical physicist played by Jeremy Renner, she must figure out what the aliens want before time runs out and we attack them in fear. The film is interesting because it shows how we might realistically respond to an alien visit, and also the process involved in trying to communicate with them. It takes “Close Encounters” to the next level. Also, the design of the aliens, which I won’t reveal here, is quite fascinating and different from what we normally get. A twist ending also makes things very interesting and makes the film a good one for repeat viewing. On the minus side, the film is slow-paced and sappy at times, and Forest Whitaker is woefully underused. Overall, however, “Arrival” is very cool and highly recommended. It’ll make you rethink your stance on ET’s.

Westworld – Episodes 2 and 3

We’ve now had three episodes of “Westworld,” and it is turning into an excellent Philip K. Dick-ian nightmare of a show. We are now seeing a dichotomy between humans who are curious about the androids and treat them humanely, and humans who want to exploit them for profit, sexual gratification, or indulging whatever sick violent fantasies they might have. Anthony Hopkins’s character seems kind and grandfatherly at first glance but by the end of the third episode his insistence that the robots have no human qualities seems quite sinister. For example, his order that the androids should not be covered when they’re nude is disturbing.

Evan Rachel Wood’s character has become interesting with her “Alice in Wonderland”-type storyline. She is seeking to become “real” by having new experiences. How this ties in with Ed Harris’ Man in Black will be interesting to see. Her character arc seems to tie in with Illuminati rites, which is very unusual for this sort of show. Will she turn on her creators as she discovers her plight?

The end of the third episode is really amazing where the scientists discover the android immolating himself and, by implication, his followers in brutal fashion with a boulder. Why would an android do this? It will be interesting to find out.

It was really fascinating watching the back-stories for the androids being created. This is way beyond anything in the original film by Michael Crichton, which was basically a western with a sci-fi twist. Here we see how everything works, which will bore some but not me.

Thandie Newton’s character as the whore who is failing at seducing the customers and may be destroyed because of it is the show’s major flaw. I do not understand where they are going with her role and it seems sexist.

Jeffrey Wright’s character is finally coming into focus and he is looking like the protagonist of the show. He has much more scientific curiosity than Hopkins’s character does and we will see if that leads to good or ill. He has a very strong character arc and I have always felt he is an underrated actor. Will he find the redemption he seeks for having lost his son?

Finally, this business about Hopkins’s deceased and more scientifically curious partner Arnold is potentially a barnburner. Why are the androids apparently having conversations with him? Where will this lead? Is Arnold’s hypothesis that the androids can be human correct and, if so, what will the consequences be?

If you can’t tell already, this show has the potential to be much better than “Game of Thrones.” Whereas that show seems to be slickly packaged sex and violence, this one is promising to explore serious moral and scientific issues while still providing lots of sex and violence. For that reason, I am recommending the show to everyone and plan to watch and cover the entire first season. Sexbot fans unite! -CoolAC

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The Lobster Crushes Social Coercion

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Every once in a while you come across a movie that connects with you. It may not make sense or be conventionally “good,” but it stays with you. “The Lobster” is such a film. It is about a futuristic society where people are given 45 days to find a mate, or they will be turned into the animal of their choice. It takes place in a hotel that is a dystopian nightmare of desperate single people and cheerless sex. Colin Farrell plays the main character, who will turn into a lobster if he can’t find a mate, and Rachel Weisz plays the woman he becomes involved with. The whole goal of the society in this film is to have men obey women’s every command, and for couples to get along at all costs. Women are also spiritually demeaned by their role as Master. And are also subject to being turned to an animal if they do not find a suitable mate, just like the men.

How do I even classify this film? It could be a comedy, a science fiction film, or an allegory for our current dating society. For example, characters are paired together as “perfect for each other” because they both have nosebleeds. One character hits his nose against the side of the pool to make it bleed, in order to have something in common with a female character whose nose also bleeds. Kind of how people act fake to get married to rich people ( for survival). So basically people are getting hitched with not that much in common, and that’s unfortunate. And society sets up institutions regarding kids, school , church , etc that reaffirm this unnatural state.

What makes people compatible anyway? I think “The Lobster” is about how you can’t force love or attraction, and it is about how conformity and political correctness damage our chances of being ourselves. And this film says you are better off by yourself, not having to worry about compatibility. But the problem is you will get stigmatized and scarred as a masturbating loser if you don’t cow-tow to feminist control. Like in this film, when you get caught masturbating they burn your hand in a toaster.

People are very cruel to each other in general in this film. They shoot you with a tranquilizer dart of you don’t follow every command. So it has a dystopian 1984 like element to it. And the plot does develop further, as there are rebels and spies involved (who live in the forest). Colin Farrell gave a most excellent performance here, his dead-pan humor was of the highest order. This is very likely to become a cult classic, as it managed to gross $15 million worldwide on a budget of $5 million. If you enjoyed Nicholas Cage’s Wicker Man ( which was highly entertaining anti feminist cinema) – then you will REALLY enjoy the Lobster. This film sounds wacko but it’s not. Its actually closer to reality than one would like to admit. –CoolAC & Steve

On DVD: High-Rise is an Elite Film

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One of the few terrific films so far this year is “High-Rise,” an alternate-future dystopian sci-fi film based on the ’70s cult novel by J,G. Ballard. It’s about a futuristic high-rise which is encompassed by Britain’s entire class system, with the poor on the bottom and going up in class level with each floor. Tom Hiddleston from the “Thor” films and “Marvel’s The Avengers” stars as the newest resident of the buildings, a doctor who is a bit befuddled when both Sienna Miller and Jeremy Irons (who plays the building’s architect) take an interest in him. People in the high-rise seem to have lots of free time, which they spend sun-bathing or socializing at parties. Some of the elite in the high-rise wear baroque-styled garb. There is a certain giddiness in the high rise until the power outages begin and all hell starts to break loose. As the poor work their way up the building total chaos ensues. People start getting chopped into bits in a brutal anarchistic state of nature.

The plot description sounds pretty simple, but actually this movie is pretty hard to follow. My brother and I watched it three times prior to attempting to review it, since its so off-beat and eccentric. So much happens that it’s hard to keep track of it all, but that’s ok because “High-Rise” consistently works as an exercise in surrealism. There is, for example, a gigantic party in which everyone is dressed in sort of Victorian garb while symphonic versions of Abba songs are played by a large orchestra. The scene doesn’t make any sense, but it’s mesmerizing. The film as a whole is funny and sad. It’s funny because it’s very eccentric, but sad because so much of Ballard’s futuristic vision of class strife has come true. This is a very good movie and I highly recommend it, but be ready to pay close attention. It’s a must for fans of offbeat cinema. –CoolAC & Steve

Lights Out Sucks

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There have been some good horror films this year, such as “Don’t Breathe.” On the other hand, there are the bad ones like “Lights Out.” “Lights Out” received some good reviews when it opened earlier this summer. The mind boggles as to why after seeing the film. If nothing else, the film proves that total darkness is not automatically scary. While films like “We Are Still Here” find ways to make a spirit in the dark scary, all “Lights Out” can give us is pointless jump scares and an extremely low body count. Another bad thing about the film is the idea that a mentally ill person could be a conduit for malevolent spirits. This is insulting to the many people suffering from mental illness, who need love and friendship, not fear. The idea that darkness equals death is likewise ridiculous. Most of us sleep in darkness and do just fine.

Audiences need to stop supporting horror films that aren’t scary. The success of “Don’t Breathe” shows that there is a real demand for a good horror film that works. But “Lights Out” should’ve gone straight to video. It resembles an even worse film from May, “The Darkness,” a really bad flick in which <SPOILER!> no one dies and an autistic boy is a conduit for demons.

“Don’t Breathe” works much better because it has a simple plot with real terror that is well executed. When the lights out, we fear for the characters because suspense has been established and the director has played fair with the audience. A smart, deranged blind man makes for a great villain,Similarly, “We Are Still Here,” a limited release horror film from last year, works because the spirits are unpredictable and have far-reaching powers. “The Shallows” uses a gigantic shark. By giving the audience a truly menacing antagonist, these films work.

Message to Hollywood: stop with the clichés and pay attention to what works. Stop using mentally ill people as conduits of demons and give us something scary and involving. And remember: darkness itself isn’t scary. Likable people in realistic jeopardy is. “Lights Out” indeed! -CoolAC

War Dogs Annihilate Kubo

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“War Dogs” is an extremely well done dark comedy based on fact about two losers who somehow become successful international arms dealers. Jonah Hill and Miles Teller give two of their best performances by making these two asses relatable and somewhat sympathetic. As they get in over their heads so does the audience, as people who may have expected a “Hangover”-style comedy instead get a piercing critique of American capitalism. One of the film’s most interesting aspect is the use of title cards to indicate what is going to happen next; it actually creates suspense rather than lessening it. A lesson learned from the film is not to ever tell your wife what you’re really up to because she doesn’t really want to know and wouldn’t understand. The movie represents a big improvement on the similar “Lord of War” with Nicolas Cage and is superior entertainment.

However, “War Dogs” is apparently not what people want to see, judging by the empty theatre. No, they want to see “Kubo and the Two Strings,” the new stop-motion animated film. In fact, due to good reviews, I did too, so I sat down in a packed house and waited for the film to start. Let me get the positives out of the way: this movie is extremely well animated and scored, and creates a fairly interesting fantasy world. What’s the problem, then? The story sucks. It doesn’t make much sense, with lots of talk about how Kubo is the chosen one and weird emphasis on blindness as a plot device and heroic monkeys and beetles or something and a happy ending that’s not really happy. I hated “Finding Dory” but at least I could follow it. I was lost within 20 minutes of “Kubo.” Nevertheless, the audience loved it; there was laughter throughout and applause at the end.

Lesson learned: audiences prefer mindless pap over anything piercing and real. We will probably get a zillion Harry Potter clones over the next few years and hardly anything related to real life. Capitalism sure is great, isn’t it? –CoolAC

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Now Showing: Suicide Sausage Doesn’t Self-Destruct

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Suicide Squad is Worth Seeing (3.5 of 5 stars)

One of the few pleasant surprises of the summer is “Suicide Squad,” which has enough style, energy, and decent acting to overcome a not-so-great script. Being a film about C-list superheroes allows the film to have a light tone that has been sorely lacking in the recent Batman efforts, although an overweight Ben Affleck is around to around to remind us of “Batman v. Superman.” Will Smith gives a sympathetic performance as Deadshot, who never misses, but it is the women, Margot Robbie and Viola Davis, who walk off with the film. Robbie is every adolescent’s wet dream as Harley Quinn, a lethal sex kitten, while Davis oozes strength and menace as a C.I,A. agent. Jared Leto is fine but under-used as the Joker, and the script doesn’t add to that much, but I still think “Suicide Squad” is a winner. There’s plenty of action to spare. – CoolAC

Sausage Party is Surprisingly Good (4 of 5 stars)

“Sausage Party” is the year’s most offensive film, and also one of the year’s best. Why does it work so well? Perhaps because it has not been test-screened to death; it left me with the feeling that I’d really seen something. At first it seems like a dumb stoner comedy about talking food, and that’s what I expected going in. But as it went on, I could see that it was making real satiric points about race, gender, religion, and sexuality. I was actually thinking as I laughed, and engrossed in it in a way I would not have thought possible. To top it off, the animation is superb. Seth Rogen plans to make a sequel and more R-rated cartoons. I think that sounds like a good idea. See “Sausage Party”; it’ll make you think twice about eating. -CoolAC